Eman Saves the World
by Eman
Eman Saves the World
(Really I did it with one finger!)
In Delaware where I live the Oak trees have not grown any acorns. Really I don’t lie about acorns. Maybe about fish or the girls I have kissed, but not acorns. In my yard I have some tall oak trees so because of this I have a bunch of fat squirrels living here. They survive on the huge bumper crop of acorns these trees pelt my kids and me with every winter. You cannot walk in my yard at certain times of the year without getting hit on the head by acorns. But this fall not a single acorn has been grown, much less dropped by any of my trees. I decided to look up this phenomenon on the internet and I learned that it is not just a bad year for acorns it is a zero year. That’s right zilch, nada, not a single acorn from Nova Scotia to Virginia or Kansas through the mid-western United States, so I called Dan (yeah my big brother) because if anyone would know if this was a sign of the apocalypse it would be him. No? He was dumber than dirt about the whole acorn thing and asked me if I was talking about some political action group. Well I am worried because the squirrels need acorns to fatten up for the cold winter and Dan should know this. So I decided to save the squirrels and went out with my sons to buy squirrel feeders. I set them out and feel pretty sure I had saved the squirrels for one more year.
The squirrels act arrogant while eating peanuts with not a single sign of gratitude about being saved.
I have experience saving stuff. Like when I saved the world this past November. I bet you didn’t know that was me huh? Yup, I saved the world and y’all know it because you saw the results this past month and the world is still around. If I had not done it the world would be gone. Here’s a picture to show you how I did it with one finger. I don’t think this picture is legal though so don’t spread it around. I did it with one finger, and in super human form I did not take a bow, or do a victory dance or, raise a pint, or let out a yell. Instead, like the Lone Ranger, I just turned my back on the great deed I done, and simply turned on my heal and walked away. I don’t own a horse any more so I could not really depart like the Lone Ranger, but that’s not the point, I saved the world damn it, thank me!
Yup I saved the whole world, not just America, because I am not so selfish to think that we were the only ones who needed saving. I could not imagine the world without places like Canada, England, China, Brazil or Jamaica, so I saved the whole thing at once because neighbors are nice. Thank me when you can, OK?
No hanging chads in Delaware we have a simple system with lights and curtains to keep you private as you turn them on next to the candidates you select. My sons were with me this great historic day and I asked one of them to break the law and photograph my ballot. (Oh my goodness I asked him to break the law.) I managed to save the world and corrupt the morals of a juvenile at the same time. Well it’s my job to make sure he can afford therapy when he is older, so I guess he’ll have something to say about me when he starts seeing a shrink. But it felt good, it felt right, it felt like…cool.
Now if I can just figure out how to get people to pay me for saving the world that would really be cool. Sort of like Superman with a wallet that holds million dollar bills. What would a person charge for saving the world anyway? Maybe I could just go around from country to country with like an eBay thingy where anonymous donations could be made as long as they were over a million dollars, since I would have a donation minimum, like eBay but cooler because it’s for Eman. Maybe even cooler would be the kids from high school who used to pick on me would have to thank me and give me a million dollars. Maybe even have to like apologize because I was so un-cool in high school, but then now I am cool, because I saved the world and all.
So don’t try to muscle in on my gig as the world saver because there is only room for one and you’re not the one, I am. See the picture, well I could not like be in it, since it was illegal and all, but I am the only one who has it. When I do it again I will need to do like Peter Parker taking pictures of Spiderman, right? I could set up the scene and act like casual and all about saving the world and smiling for the camera at the same time. That really cool chick would kiss me hanging upside down and all; heaven right?
(This is really not a picture of me; my chin is in triplicate now. I tried hanging upside down and got dizzy; I think my beer gut started emptying into my brain!)
If you want to help me save squirrels that’s cool, and I hope you do, but I will handle the saving the world thing, ok?
To learn more about the missing acorns please see;
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/29/AR2008112902045.html
Happy New Year!
Get back to work, damn it!
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